Book Review: It Didn't Start With You
Photos by Abbie Guerrero , food blogger and creator of Savvy with Abbie. All photos original.
It Didn’t Start With You explores the concept of inherited family trauma and how unresolved experiences from previous generations may influence emotional and behavioral patterns in the present.
"When our attempts at success seem to collide with roadblocks and dead ends, exploring family history can be an important direction to pursue. Unresolved traumatic events in our families can hinder how success flows to us and how well we are able to receive it."
I learned so much about not only my family history, but about myself and others in the process.
My Dad passed away when he was 37 years old - I was 17 years old. For quite some time, I was dreading my 37th birthday or wondering how strange it would be to live longer than my dad. The feeling did pass, but I realized it was an automatic reaction to family trauma. Losing my dad at age 17 had a huge impact on myself, my relationships, and how I treated people. I jumped right in to a role that I was not prepared for being the oldest. I didn't know at 17 I would feel like I had to take on the role of both sister and Dad to my three younger siblings. And that caregiving role would stay with me later in life.
This book, *It Didn't Start With You, connected the dots between us living past trauma. We mimic patterns, fears, tragedies, and maybe even things that we don't currently understand.
*I am an Amazon Associate and may get a small commission for every sale.
This book shared stories that didn't make sense until you dug deeper into family roots and generations before us.
Quotes
Here are a few quotes I appreciated:
- "As long as we remain caught in the web of family patterns, our relationships are likely to struggle."
- "People often unconsciously choose a mate who will trigger their wounds."
- "Understanding what happened when we were small can expose one of the hidden mysteries as to why we suffer so much in our relationships."
- "You can't change what was, but you can change what is..."
I initially purchased this book out of curiosity and didn't realize that it would answer some questions that I didn't realize I had - both about myself and others around me. This book had structure, depth, and although it seemed repetitive at times, it truly made points that I had never thought about or considered.
Overview of the Book by Mark Wolynn
The author did an amazing job with explaining how we can take on a lot of our family history without even realizing it.
Several shared stories were of families of Holocaust victims. Feeling bad, sad, or guilt were some of the feelings, but for generations ahead. They often took on pain of their family members without realizing it. Even if your family wasn't in a huge event like the Holocaust, you can also end up taking on your families traumas.
Scientifically speaking, the relationships that you have or don't have with your parents can (for the most part) influence how you are now. Events such as adoption, death of a child or of a mother, time away from the newborn baby, could all impact our deepest, darkest fears.
The bond that a son has with his dad, and that of a daughter with their mother, when they are young, can truly have a huge impact on who they are as an adult.
And we, as children, are directly linked to our mother and grandmother. We can inherit not just DNA (physical traits) but noncoding DNA which is responsible for the inherited traits of behavior, personality, and emotions - how we manage stress. Did you know that stress patterns can be passed down from a pregnant woman to their child?
There is a lot of data in this book about a young child's development and how they can be influenced before they are even formed and born through the parent's behaviors, attitudes and thoughts. It made me realize how intentional parenting must have to be in order for a child to feel secure, safe, and have balanced emotions.
It was a true eye-opener for me.
Key Takeaways
This book is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care, but offers perspective and reflection based on personal and generational experiences.
1. If you have fears that are limiting you from living a full life or if you are speaking things out loud and you don't know where they stemmed from, this book is one you will want to read. It offers family history and early trauma questions as well as success questions and key attributes to finding your core sentence.
2. Once you discover your core sentence, you can determine if it belongs to you, an immediate family member, or a relative that you may connect with. I did several of the exercises and discovered my core language map, my core complaint, and it provided me with a level of empathy for those who have and continue to suffer in trauma.
3. Discovering core language can help readers identify emotional patterns, improve self-awareness, and approach relationships with greater empathy. Even if you don't believe that you have a family history of trauma, this could reveal a lot more than the eye can see.
4. Patterns in behaviors, stress levels, fears, feelings, and suffering can all stem from before we were born all the way up until postnatal development.
"The mother's emotions, such as fear, anger, love, hope among others, can biochemically alter the genetic expression of her offspring. During pregnancy, nutrients in the mother's blood nourish the fetus. With the nutrients, she also releases a host of hormones and information signals generated by the emotions she experiences. Chronic or repetitive emotions like anger and fear can imprint her child, essentially preparing or 'preprogramming' how the child will adapt to its environment. A child who experienced a stressful in utero environment can become reactive in a similarly stressful situation."
Amazing, right?
What I Liked
I really liked and appreciated the real-life scenarios, facts, and studies. The stories were of healing and freedom through discovering their core language.
I thought the direct correlation between mother/father and child were interesting. The bond you have with your parents can directly impact current relationships and how you view life. There are also specific attributes that you receive from your father. I was very surprised on the accuracy of these statements both in my own life, and others around me.
Who This Book Is For
Who This Book Is Not For
In Conclusion
I recommend this book for readers who want to better understand emotional patterns without feeling overwhelmed or judged.
I would rate this book a 4/5. I really enjoyed learning about my family history. It also made me realize that there are certain people in my family tree that I don't know much about. I am very intentional now about how I view people and have more empathy when it comes to how people were raised and how that impacted their current viewpoints.
This book is easy to follow, inspirational, life-changing, and a book I didn't know I needed. It Didn't Start With You offers a brand new perspective on life, history, and trauma that you may have not considered before.
Did you read this book? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. I would love to hear what you discovered about yourself or your family history! Were you living in someone else's shoes or were you living for yourself? Let's talk about it!
Like This Book Review?
If you found this review helpful, you may also like my other book reviews:
The Shining by Stephen King: A Terrifyingly Insightful Book Review
Book Review: Don’t Believe Everything You Think – A Fresh Perspective on Mental Wellness
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